All my life I have struggled with accepting myself fully. At different times my self-esteem has swayed between being very high and at other times very low. The two main culprits in my self-esteem dilemma has been rooted in the yo-yoing of my weight and the acceptance of my hair.
When I was younger I don't recall caring about looks until it was brought to my attention that I wasn't as equally good-looking as my peers. In a way, I think being picked on at such a young age was actually a good thing though. At the time, however, I was so miserable. I would come home and cry daily to my dad about all the mean things people said to me. I felt hurt, sad, angry, and trapped in a situation that seemed to never end. Looking back on it now, it almost seems like a lifetime ago, I feel that being bullied actually helped me to become the person I am today. I don't know if I would care so much about other peoples feelings if I had not been on the opposite end of those remarks. Only God knows. But I know that I do care a lot about the feelings of others and I hate to see people go through being ridiculed and treated as an outcast. I remember how it felt for me.
College is when I "blossomed". I had lost weight, started adding extensions to my hair, and honey the game of getting the attention of boys was on like popcorn! lol. .... Because I never really got the attention of boys in pre-college days the rush of having so many guys try and talk to me was literally exhilarating. I was def feeling myself. I began to think I was all that. Little did I know they were trying to talk to not only me but anything walking! TRAGIC! Gassing my head up with lies just to try and get in my pants. I literally had to learn the hard way. I was naïve as they come. Anyway as time went on and I discovered what got me more male attention and compliments. I began to structure my whole looks on getting it. The diet plan was on. I would lose weight over the summer and slowly gain it back once school started and I had snagged the attention of the "Boy(s)" I wanted.
About my senior year in college, I realized that I wasn't trying to be in shape for my well being. My entire self-esteem was rooted by the remarks of outsiders and their attention. Yall, I'm telling you that if a day went by and I didn't receive a compliment I literally felt ugly/worthless. My happiness and my "high self-esteem" for that day did not begin till I received that 1st compliment. That's a sad yall. It's sad for a persons to determine their entire worth in the superficial and finky words of others. That is no way to live.
I now understand (Praise God) how vital it is be confident and believe in yourself (for yourself and by yourself, so Help me God!) But the question I have is HOW IN THE HECK DO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF? I use to get so sick and tired of hearing people say..."you have to love yourself" or "before you can ever love someone else you have to love yourself first".... Yes. I do believe that in order to have a healthy relationship you have to genuinely love yourself. But how does one go about achieving self-love?....If you notice no one ever tells you the direction to achieving that. ..I believe it is because every one achieves self-love differently. My definition of being loving with myself may not be your definition and vice versa.
I figured out that one thing that I believe would help me with improving my self-esteem is to get back into physical shape like I used to be... I have let myself go. : /..Dang its even hard to type that. lbvs. I had so many different things that happened in the past two years that I just literally reached for the cookies, wings, fries, whatever and stopped caring about working out. I felt rejected, betrayed, used, unworthy, and I began to treat my body as such. Unfortunately that just caused the issues of low self-esteem to begin its ugly cycle again. A good thing has happened though! I can finally say I want to get back in shape for me and not anybody else. I feel that taking care of my body will help me to gain a better self-love and appreciation for myself.
But the problem that I have been dealing with in taking that first step in getting back in shape is I have developed a full blown an addiction to food. SERIOUSLY. Food has always been a struggle for me and a topic that I have been embarrassed to discuss. But I decided that I will be totally transparent on my blog. I have literally struggled with food since I was bullied. When I felt skinny I could eat in front of anyone, but now that I have gained weight I am embarrassed to eat in front of people. I binge on food in secret. I think about my next meal constantly? It is truly sad and it makes me ashamed of myself. Even when I did lose weight food was always on my mind. And it is a big problem for me. I have literally fell down crying and asking God to break the bondage of food off of me. I have fasted. I have prayed. I have opened up and sought help from those around me. But all to no avail. I really don't know what else to do. I do not want to struggle with this the rest of my life. I want to be free to enjoy life and not focus on starving or overeating myself to death. My goal for next year is to overcome by the Blood of Lamb binge eating and cigarettes. I recently joined Overeaters Anonymous and they said something that really stuck out to me.... "Sometimes we find ourselves eating not because are physically hungry but because we are spiritual hungry". Well Lord please fill me up with your presence and kill the spirit of gluttony. I'm tired of this...
What do you think? Have you always had high self-esteem? How did you cultivate it? How have you learned to love, value, and appreciate yourself? What do you struggle with that hinders you with accepting yourself fully?
AS ALWAYS LOVE AND BLESSINGS
